Now being a clumsy person myself, this is indeed a subject very close to my heart.
I have spent so much time over the years in the Accident & Emergency department of my own local hospital, that the reception desk staff would not need to ask me for my details, if it wasn't mandatory procedure.
They have even joked that I should 'own' an A & E gold card and should have a seat in the waiting area made up with my own name plate - so on my arrival I just wave my card and proceed to sit, depending on the nature of my injury of course, in my designated seat.
However my reasons for attending A & E over the years have been a combination of daft stunts gone wrong, and genuine sporting injuries that have occurred during a competitive match or training session, and on several occasions have left me requiring surgery. All the injuries in this article were sustained by professional footballers as a result of accidents or acts of irrational behaviour off the field – or in basic vernacular dialogue, incidents that nine times out of ten have taken place without a ball in sight - with goalkeepers being particularly susceptible!
Darius Vassell - The then Aston Villa striker missed several games after he drilled through his toe nail with a home power drill thinking it would relieve the pressure on a swollen toe. The attempt at DIY surgery succeeded only in giving the toe an infection which required medical attention.
Michael Stensgaard - Liverpool's Danish goalkeeper was forced out of the game for a year after suffering an injury to his shoulder while he attempted to fold down an ironing board. He now plies his trade with FC Copenhagen.
Santiago Canizares -
The Spain goalkeeper (right) missed the 2002 World Cup whilst in the midst of one of his sessions swooning over himself in front of the bathroom mirror. He dropped his aftershave into the sink, a piece of glass fell on his foot, severing a tendon in his big toe. This led to the emergence of the great Iker Casillas.
Richard Wright - Wright was ruled out of Everton's FA Cup fourth-round replay at Chelsea after suffering a freak injury during the warm-up. Wright ignored a notice warning him not to practise in the goalmouth and promptly fell over the sign, suffering a twisted ankle. He also damaged his shoulder falling through a loft as he was trying to pack away his suitcases.
Darren Barnard - The former Barnsley midfielder was sidelined for five months with a torn knee ligament, after he slipped in a puddle of his puppy's urine on the kitchen floor.
Jerome Boateng - Before the start of this season (2010/11) Manchester City's new £12million summer signing from Hamburg, further aggravated a knee injury by accidentally smashing it against a flight attendant’s drinks trolley, delaying his recovery by another month.
Alan Mullery - The England star missed the 1964 tour of South America after injuring his back while brushing his teeth.
Svein Grondalen - The Norway defender had to withdraw from an international during the 1970's after colliding with a moose while out jogging.
Chic Brodie - The Brentford goalkeeper's career came to an abrupt end in October 1970 when he collided with a dog which had run on to the pitch. Brodie shattered his kneecap while the dog got the ball.
Kieron Dyer - The former Newcastle midfielder damaged his left eye when he collided with a pole in training - ruling him out for two weeks.
Dave Beasant - The veteran goalkeeper managed to rule himself out for eight weeks in 1993 when he dropped a bottle of salad cream on his foot, severing the tendon in his big toe.
Kirk Broadfoot -
The Glasgow Rangers defender needed hospital treatment for burns after nearly blinding himself while trying to poach an egg in a microwave. The defender opened the microwave door to peer in at the eggs when one of them exploded, firing boiling hot eggy water all over the Scotland defender’s unsuspecting face. It’s understood he narrowly avoided burning the whites of his eyes. Kasey Keller - The American international goalkeeper knocked out his front teeth while pulling his golf clubs out of the boot of his car.
David Batty - The former Leeds and Blackburn midfielder managed to re-injure his Achilles tendon when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.
David James - The England goalkeeper once pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for the television remote control. The keen angler also tweaked his shoulder when trying to land a monster carp when out fishing.
Sean Flynn -
The then-Kidderminster captain suffered a broken nose, busted lip and bruised toes after tripping over his son's toy cars.David Seamen - The former Arsenal and England keeper tore a back muscle after bending down to record Coronation Street on his VCR.
Finally a quite freakish injury that occurred 'during' a game.
Paulo Diogo - The Servette midfielder scored a goal and ran into the crowd to celebrate. However, he caught his wedding ring on the fencing and managed to tear off the top half of his finger - as well as getting cautioned for an excessive celebration.
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♫ Songs Tracklist (in order)
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Ratos de Porão - In My Eyes
Kris Kross - Jump
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
Monty Python - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Ar Rahman - Jai Ho
The Offspring - Falling
Weezer - Island in the Sun
Six Pence None The Richer - Kiss Me
R. Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly
Muse - Uprising
Britney Spears - Oops I Did It Again
Yolanda Be Cool - We No Speak Americano
Joe Esposito - You're the Best
LL Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out
AC/DC - Highway To Hell
Shakira - Waka Waka
Korn - Falling away from me
Limp Bizkit - My Way (remix)
Bloodhound Gang - Lift Your Head Up High (and Blow Your Brains)
Pearl Jam - Betterman
Toto Cotugno - Lasciate Mi Cantare
Psycho - Movie Theme Song
Platters - Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Smashing Pumpkins - X.Y.U.
Counting Crows - Mr. Jones
Green Day - Good Riddance
Buraka Som Sistema - Kalemba (Wegue Wegue)
Faith No MOre - I started a Joke
Bob Marley - Simmer Down
Jane Birkin et Serge Gainsbourg - Je T'aime...Moi Non Plus
System of a Down - War
Kids Song - Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
N/T - Circus Song
Bad Religion - Unnaceptable
Kittie - Spit
Peter Gabriel - Don't Give Up
Pixies - Stormy Weather
30 Seconds to Mars - Attack
Alphaville - One Step Behind You
Dave Clark Five - Do you love me
Therapy? - Turn
Rage Against the Machine - Know Your Enemy
Steppenwolf - Born to be Wild
Bruce Springsten - Lonesome Day
Flow 212- Ao ritmo do meu Flow!
The Tokens - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Tina Turner - Simply the Best
The Doors - Brea on Through
Limp Bizkit - Full Nelson
Joe Cocker - You can leave your hat on
The Cat Empire - Falling
Metallica - Unforgiven
The Simpsons - Homer Simpson Dohhhhs
Cheiro de Amor - Pense em Mim
The Ramones - Sedated
Roxette - Sleeping in My Car
Korn - Blind
Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right (To Party)
Vertigo - Original Theme Song
Kids Song - Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle
The Beatles - Help
Pixies - Broken Face
Silverchair - Freak
The Cranberries - Zombie
Edith Piaf - La foule
Genesis - Invisible Touch
Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal
Radiohead - Everything In It's Right Place
The Offspring - Why Don't You Get a Job
Dredg - Of The Room
N/T - Circus Song
Deftones - Lotion
André Rieu - Oh Fortuna
Football My Arse' celebrates the weird and wonderful world of professional football through the eyes of Britain's best loved armchair spectator and football fanatic Ricky Tomlinson.
An hilarious journey through the very best, the very worst and the most bizarre footballing moments, with over an hour of classic, rare and previously unseen football footage and entertaining insight. 'Football My Arse' takes a sideways look at the beautiful game as Ricky uncovers classic clips of all things football, from the Golden Age of 1950's football through to the most recent premiership highlights.
Ricky's humour and hilarious clips of football action from Britain around the world make 'Football My Arse!' laugh-out-loud football entertainment.
The chapters include:
* Goals: Bizarre goals, embarrassing goals and goals that have to be seen to be believed and Ricky's top ten goals of all time from the 1950's until 2006 (last season).
* Goalkeepers - widely recognised as the craziest men on the pitch - marvel at classic gaffs and unforgettable own goals.
* Referees: We hear it for the 'men in black', and relive some of the worst decisions in the history of football and the biggest rows.
* Pitch Battles - when tempers flare - previously unseen footage from around the world of on pitch fooballers fighting
* Injury Time - some of the more bizarre on pitch accidents and incidents from the English premiership and worldwide.
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